Put simply, self-sabotage is unconsciously or consciously undermining one's self. You know it's not good for you, or won't help, but you do it anyway. This could be relating to any goals you set for yourself, your happiness or even your physical health, and it definitely includes your mental well-being.
Ever engage in behaviours, have thoughts, or do things that hinder personal progress or success? Consider some examples such as:
Negative self-talk.
Procrastination.
Impulsive decisions.
Maintaining toxic relationships.
Perfectionism.
Lack of self-care.
Nearly all of us can admit to doing at least one of these, but there are many more. Perhaps we avoid a relationship problem and choose to get drunk at the pub instead? Or maybe we have always wanted to do something in our lives, but always talk ourselves out of it through lack of confidence?
These self-sabotaging behaviours can appear all over the place, such as in relationships, our career paths and education, our physical well-being, or even in our personal development.
There are many different reasons why you might self-sabotage. Have a look at the list below, see how you relate to them:
Fear of Failure: this can lead us to sabotage our own efforts as a way to protect ourselves from perceived disappointment, criticism, or rejection. We may avoid taking risks or doing anything challenging in order to prevent any possibility of failure.
Comfort Zones: leaving a comfort zone where you feel safe and secure may seem daunting. To step outside our comfort zones can evoke feelings of anxiety and discomfort. Often it's easier to stay with the familiar and avoid the unknown. When it gets uncomfortable, or the going gets tough, we might bail.
Low Self-Esteem: if we have low self-esteem, we may self-sabotage to confirm our negative beliefs about ourselves. With low self-esteem, it is common to behave in ways that only reinforces feelings of unworthiness and / or incompetence, which only ever leads us into a cycle of self-sabotage.
Coping Mechanisms: self-sabotage can be a way to cope with stress, pressure, or overwhelming emotions. Self-destructive behaviours, such as procrastination, substance abuse, or unhealthy relationships, can often be a means of escape or temporary relief.
Unconscious Beliefs: these beliefs, quite often formed in childhood or past experiences, can be deep-seated. They can influence our self-perception and therefore our behaviour. Unconscious beliefs such as "I'm not good enough", "I'm not capable", or "I don't deserve this" can promote self-sabotaging behaviour and choices, where we typically will act in accordance to them.
Overcoming Self-sabotage
This involves developing our self-awareness, so that we firstly know what we are doing, even down to admitting to it, and so we have a chance to change it. But also, it's often necessary to understand the underlying motivations or triggers. Only them we can consider driving a strategy for positive change.
Can you identify any challenging and limiting beliefs?
What are you doing to promote your goals? Are they realistic?
What support do you have?
How might you develop healthier coping mechanisms?
How do you practice self-compassion and kindness?
What do you do for self-care?
Self-sabotage is not always obvious and easy to work with. It can be complex and deeply ingrained. Professional help, such as working with a therapist, can provide invaluable support identifying and addressing negative patterns of behaviour, and effecting a more positive change. In therapy, if something's uncomfortable, go there, it's often where you will find the most growth.